I sat there watching.
Boy, was it sad.
It looked so….
No, it wasn’t just painful, it looked flat-out disastrous. It was like watching a terrible horror film with your hands over your eyes or a car wreck…You know like you don’t want to watch it but you just can’t help yourself. Yasss. That is what I witnessed last night as I sat next to the most uncomfortable first-date I have ever seen.
And how did I know it was the WORST date ever?
Well, she was curled up into a ball on her side of the table. Like if she could get under it, I’m pretty sure she would. I was watching her and thinking, ”Bitch, sit up straight. At least look like a normal person you’re out in public!” She wasn’t making any conversation at all, crumpled over like the Hunchback of Notre-Dame. Even Zac, my 14-year0old thought the whole thing was a hot mess. He used the word “cringy” which of course I’ve heard him use a gazillion times (but never to describe a couple acting like total losers on a date at Wild East Asian Bistro)!
It wasn’t hard to hear them either. The dude was talking so fucking loud because the chick was pretending not to hear him. (Rude.) She wasn’t making any eye contact and I think she thought that maybe if she pretended he wasn’t there he would disintegrate into the atmosphere (like half the Universe from Marvel). Poof. No, dipshit! Look, you’re there. You got dressed up for the date so you might as well play nice and get a dinner out of it. Act pleasant and make a new friend. Stop behaving like a cunt and perk up. And yes I just used the c-word because I really do feel that it is the only appropriate word at this juncture.
Come on, lady. You swiped right, he swiped right. Woman up and act politely…or if you can’t then be mature enough to excuse yourself and call an Uber. What? You think I’m kidding? I’m not! If he’s that fucking bad and you can’t get through the date then be nice and say, ”Ya know what, this really isn’t working out as I anticipated. I’m soooo sorry but I think I’m going to have to go. It was really great meeting you.” And then pack it up and head for the hills. (Am I right? Rhetorical. Of course, I’m right, I know what I’m doing, that’s why they pay me the big bucks, Y’all! Ha.)
But, she just continued rolling her eyes. He was talking on and on. And Zac and I were praying for the restaurant to blow up. The whole time I kept thinking, ”What if that were Zac?” What if that was my Jonah sitting across the table from that bitch of a human? OMG. I started to get really upset. As Zac and I got up to leave the restaurant, I turned to him and said, ”I want you to know if a girl ever treats you like that you have my permission to tell her to go fuck herself, ok?” He chuckled and said, ”Mom, you think I don’t know that? You raised me right.” I laughed. But I meant it and he knew it. My heart hurt for that poor guy trying so hard just to be kind and sweet.
Look, we all make mistakes. Swipe right instead of left or get catfished or think a person is going to be something he’s not. Shit, I had the worst date EVER that turned out to be the love of my life. In fact, we’ve been together 19 months today. (Friends for about 3 years!) Yup. Batman and I had such a horrific first date we almost never spoke again! Sometimes you have to give someone a chance. People are nervous. Other times, it’s just not a good fit.
Dating is not easy but being negative won’t help anything.
Even a 14-year old can tell a shitshow when he sees one. So, smile, laugh and don’t take yourself so seriously. If you’re already there be kind to the person sitting across the table. You never know when he has a friend that might just be the PERFECT match for you. 😉