She’s So Mean

Should I ask her?

Yes, baby….ask her.

What if she says, no?

She will not say no!

So yesterday my sixteen-year-old finally–after much deliberation–got up the balls to ask a girl to the Homecoming Dance. And it took so much chutzpah for him to do it. Ya see, she is beautiful and he thinks he is well…not. He’s not hot enough or smart enough. He is just not enough, period.

Basically, he is a teenager and his self-esteem is not at the all-time highest. But they talk every day at school and are terrific friends….so I told him to go for it! Now, I know (because I am his mom) that he is beyond deserving of the little bitch. In fact, I know that he deserves better.

I also know when he asked her and her answer was, ”Yes, Maybe,” it took everything in my Momma Bear soul not to rip the phone out of his hands and snap her ass back, ”You are fucking kidding, right?”

Oh, ya. These kids SnapChat this shit now.

Gone are the days of the face-to-face interactions where the guy looks into the girl’s eyes and asks her out while shaking and hoping for the “yes.” (And for the record, it’s so much harder for a girl to say “no” in person, you dummies.) But alas, my sweet boy got the “Yes, Maybe”…which means what exactly? Oh ya, it means, “I’d love to go with you if the senior that I really like doesn’t ask me.” Ummm, really?

So, he came to me for advice. And what do you think I said? Well, of course, I told him to give her the boot! Kick her ass to the curb, baby! Tell that ho that you are nobody’s second choice!

But, not my son. He couldn’t be a dick.

He looked at me and said, ”Mom, I can’t be that guy, you raised me better.” He wrote her back, ”Well, good luck and I hope he asks you. I think I’m going to ask someone else.” Wow. Nice job, Dahlin. (I would’ve told her where to get off, but then again I am not as sweet-lipped.)

I was so proud of him, but he was devastated. Fucking tore up, my friends. He asked, ”Why, Mom? Why do girls like the dickheads?” Ugh. And what was I going to tell him? It’s the truth, especially at this age! (And who am I kidding? Women at my age are still falling for the “bad-boys” and losers.) He was defeated, distraught…And heartbroken.

What do they say, ”You are only as happy as your saddest child”?

Well, I am sick honestly. And like all good Jewish Mothers do I offered to take him to Ben and Jerry’s. (What? We feed our emotions!) Fuck, what a shitshow. And why are girls so fucking mean? She told all her bitchy-ass friends so they all knew when he got to school. Damnit! Good thing he didn’t make one of those stupid-lame signs like his little brother (who btw pulled the hottest little thing ever!) when he asked his date. Ha.

I don’t think women totally get it.

I mean, I didn’t understand until I had boys just how hard it is to ask us out on a date. How much effort and time, thinking and planning they do to create the perfect outing. Oy. And look, I’m not saying you should say yes when or if you want to say no to a guy. (By all means, say no!) But maybe the next time a dude sends you a drink at the bar or says “hi” just because you could just be a little bit kinder. I mean, think about if that person was your son. 

Life is tough, but he is going to survive this one. And I told him there will be twenty other girls before he meets “the one.” And yes, I sounded just like my Mom when my high school crush dumped me for my good friend the night before my homecoming dance. She was the skinniest, hottest thing and I was well…“Hurvitz.” I sat at home that night and babysat while all my friends went to the dance. But guess what? I got really hot in college and That Guy asked me to his fraternity rush formal…and I said, ”Sorry, just can’t make it happen.”

(And now she’s a fat ass and he is still a dick and a fat ass.)

And I’m well, I’m still Hurvitz…but  I’ve got a pretty nice ass. 😉