Over 40. Jewish. Or African-American. Not too tall. Long-term, no short-term. Yes, I like dogs. No, not bald. Wait! I do like them bald. I like my men bald, but no cats. I hate pussies. No, wait…I love pussy, I just hate pussy CATS. I won’t date a guy with a cat but I will date a guy with a bald dog.
Holy fuck is this a shit show or what?
I have no idea what I just wrote, but it sounded like a dating profile I just threw together in about 3.2 seconds the other day for a client when I asked her to tell me about herself. I said, “Tell me what you want in a relationship. I only have two minutes…GO!” (I was in a hurry–what can I say?)
Ha. No, no I kid. This is not what I really do when I meet with my clients. I actually sit down and very slowly ask the important questions before I begin working my magic. Yes…I actually write dating profiles for the best online dating sites after divorce. (I am a writer after all and a good one at that!) So I have recently decided to start charging a small fee to help peeps avoid the fucking nightmare that is online dating.
And a LOT of people ask me: What makes one site better than the next? Which are legit? Where should I start? I have some strong opinions about this, both as a woman who used these sites and one who now coaches women getting their groove back after divorce.
So here’s my guide to the best online dating sites after divorce:
As the king of all dating sites, this one is my very favorite and the winner in my opinion. It’s got the biggest bang for your buck, too. With one-, three-, six-month or yearly subscriptions you can come and go as you please. And once you have a profile set up, it’s basically golden!! And you get to use your words. (Do you hear that, guys?)
Here are some quick tips:
- On Match, you have to use your words and express precisely what you’re looking for in a potential partner. With lots of space to write, I suggest you ask for help if you need it. Use this to your advantage and fill it out completely.
- Take your time and do it honestly. If you won’t date a guy that’s 5’7” then make sure you put the height range between 5’8” and up!
- Lying on your profile will only make finding a true match more difficult. Remember my rule about the “non-negotiables”. Make sure you stay true to yourself.
- Do not settle! And catfishing is not fair to anyone: if you are curvy, then own your sexyAF curves. If a guy doesn’t want you because you have a few extra pounds in all the right spots, then he’s not the guy for you…and not the perfect MATCH.
Success Rate: 517,000 relationships, 92,000 marriages, and is responsible for the birth of 1 million babies (and counting). Pretty cool, Match.com!
Ahhh, AKA “The Hook-Up” Site. Well…I’m sorry! I do not agree! Swipe away I tell ya! And I happen to think this app is awesome and fine for those in a hurry to find love. Swipe on the go, swipe at work…swipe on the potty. Swipe where ever you are, just swipe!
Here are some quick tips:
- This app gives you the luxury of finding a potential mate at any time and anyplace. It’s quick and to the point. 300 characters give you just enough for the Quick Tinder Formula.
- Here’s my favorite 1-2-1 method for a perfect profile: One sentence about you. “Hi, I’m Jen, I’m a kick-ass mom of two teenage boys who loves to rock out to show tunes.” Then, two sentences about what you’re looking for in a match, “I’m looking for a really funny guy who can play the banjo and likes to take long walks on the beach!” And a closing sentence that says something funny or cute,” Swipe right if you don’t have a cat and you want to grab a drink sometime,” Get it? Easy enough?
- Stay positive, be upbeat…and for fucksake do not say “I’m not looking for a hook-up” or “I want drama-free”. Trust me, he already knows that!
- And easy on the slutty pics, don’t be a Tinder-ho, or you’ll be a Tinder-no!
Success Rate: Ahhh, now this is interesting. The number of daily matches made on Tinder? 26 Million. Percentage of Tinder users that are actually SINGLE? 54% Divorced? 3% And how many that are already in a relationship? 12%
OH NOOOOO. Swiper, No Swiping!!
Ladies, first! Buzzzzz! (Oh hell, really?) Is chivalry dead so soon? It’s not bad enough we have to pick up the bill and open our own car doors…now we even have to make the first fucking move on a DATING APP? What the fuck, Bumble? I hate this stupid shit app. It’s honestly for the birds not the bees.
So here’s how this shit works:
- I swipe and swipe and swipe some more. And when we buzz it’s a match! But instead of both of us getting the opportunity to chat it up, only the GIRL can make the first move. And we only have 24 hours to do it! (Fuck me, a time limit, too? Oy! The pressure.)
- Or, if I immediately reach out and say hello like I usually do, (I’m good like that) I have to sit there for 23 hours and 58 minutes to wait for the dude to respond. O.M.G. And if he doesn’t? We lose. It’s over. No honey in the pot. Well, unless of course, he chooses to “extend his time” and blah, blah, buzz-bullshit. I’m over Bumble. Not a fan. I’d much rather swipe or Match. (Or can’t we meet at Starbucks in line like real people? Yeesh.)
Success Rate: Well, stats not found. But here are a few takeaways that I found quite buzz-worthy! Bumble revealed that in 2017 the Most Active swiping day was on Friday while the LEAST active to be on Monday. While the best TIME to get responses to those messages ladies is in the evening between 8-10pm. The more photos you have, the better chance you have at getting a right swipe and men in MEDICAL SALES seem to get the most swipes!
Well, there you have it. And the list of the best online dating sites doesn’t stop here, but I only have 1000 words or so before your eyes start to glaze over and I lose ya. Remember what I told you! Always finish with a funny, closing sentence so they remember you…
“Don’t call me if you have a cat, like cats or ever had a cat. Or you are looking for a hook-up. Oh, and I am SO totally drama-free!” 😉